Something i’ve noticed, and this is so great, is I notice I want to run away from this relationship so I can be more peaceful again and like who I am again, yet am I really changing then or am I just changing my environment? I notice I have this story that its because of the other person I cannot be peaceful, its because of him…..
Yes I feel its great to have space and solo time, everyone needs that, it can be very healthy and important, I definitely need that in my life.
Yet there is a type of space and solo time I say I want when I am in reaction and trigger, when I am judging him and feeling uncomfortable feelings and emotions,
is this not the time to really stay and be curious, to stay and really see it as an opportunity for growth and change into perhaps a more compassionate way of responding to things? Or it is also an opportunity to be vulnerable and share what is happening for me, to feel my triggers and look deeper inside on what is really there, to move the energy or to express my world to him in a neutral this is what Im observing in me kind of way.
Cant this feeling of being triggered be the doorway for my freedom and experience of more love in my life, cant this be an opening and path to experience more of the Love that I am??? Yes it can, but ego wants to avoid this! Ego cant stand this!
Its like I’m wanting to escape changing through relationships by avoiding them and being alone, its like my ego does not want to change, it just wants to run away and be “peaceful” again in environments where it knows it will be peaceful, in environments where nothing can show or reveal the inner thorns and core wounds.
Yet how then is there really any benefit to going to these ten day silent retreats or to these peaceful places if all I’m going to do is be craving to go to more of them so I can avoid the real master class witch is being involved in conscious human relationships, deep intimate human connections and relationships?
Is it really not possible to remain peaceful, aware and equanimous while interacting, relating and listening to others? Especially my most intimate partner?
It is not possible if those interactions reveal thorns and wounds inside myself constantly that I am unwilling to look at or heal or give presence to.
If I am unwilling to face my own stuff, own my stuff, take responsibility for my stuff versus project it out, then it will be very very hard to have any peace or awareness in a relationship, it will instead become a unconscious toxic relationship that might just grow the ego even more and create more thorns and wounds inside.
Relationships can be a place to go to sleep and act out unconscious patterns, habits and behaviors or it can be a place to awaken, heal, change, grow, learn and become a greater person who is capable of showing up with courage, love compassion and vulnerability in all areas of once life, a relationship can be a way to become more of who we already are, to embody more of what we already are, LOVE, or it can be a way to become stronger in ego…
It takes radical honesty and radical self acceptance in order to have this type of relationship where LOVE is what gets embodied more and more, it takes a willingness to face and meet death within oneself, because very well ego might die in many ways, these self images and identities we have held onto, these stories about who we are and these programs of how we react to things, these things may die and perish if we choose to show up for this type of relationship, where we choose a change that truly brings more peace in the world, versus just a short-lived distraction because you removed everything from the world so you can’t be disturbed type of experience.
Intimate committed relationships is like the master class in peacefulness, compassion and unconditional love – Silent meditation retreats and solo time in paradise is kind of easy honestly compared to that! Haha that is my opinion at least, that’s what my experiences have shown.
And my ego wants to run away from the masterclass again and again, “get me the fuck out of here so I can be peaceful sweet and compassionate again because I don’t like who I am when I feel triggered, also I don’t want to change and grow out of this because this is my identity and I will do whatever it takes to stay in it!” Ego does not know how to be with triggers and stronger emotions in a loving spacious supportive way, yet who I truly am does, my Soul does, I just have to be willing to be more of WHO I TRULY AM versus caught in small reactive ego. Yet nothing is separate from me, so also I recognize I am too this ego, and from this space I can have more openness and compassion, versus ego must die mentality…
Yet the truth is…. ego dies a sweet death often in this life, I even think ego is used to it by now haha! How great, getting used to death and dying, that’s great because we will then be more prepared for the ultimate one that we will be blessed with at some point in this life, we know for sure that is coming.
So I’m SO grateful for human relationships, no matter how much harder they are to me compared to being alone or being in meditation retreats, I realized that the intimate human relationships, or in fact all of them intimate or not, are and can be like the most advanced meditation retreat ever, like a true masterclass in unconditional love, compassion and peacefulness, of course that is only possible if we make it possible by our willingness to show up and die haha and our willingness to be vulnerable, truthful, honest, brave and our willingness to be seen in our messy, scared, raw and hurt, also our willingness to be seen in our ecstatic joy, playfulness, success and thriving!
Yes, I am bowing my head to this blessing, because we are surrounded by humans on this planet, and we have the opportunity to build relationships with them all, shallow or deep, but either way, have them be rooted in love and peacefulness…..and I’m not saying that it can’t look like an honest “fuck off” either, because I feel we can definitely have peacefulness love and compassion in moments when we don’t want somebody around and when we are very truthful and clear about that, it can be so simple and easy…..yet also hard and challenging, yet that is what makes it more fun.
SO thanks for reading my words today about my experience with human relationships, I def have not always been a lover of being around humans, or I have this feeling I just want to be alone in the forest with plants and the elements…..And yes, I will honor this too, yet I will be aware to notice if I only want this because I am protecting myself from the pain of true change into a ruthless LOVER of it all, I will stay aware to see that I go out to be solo and alone for the right reasons, instead of doing it to avoid deeply feeling or facing certain aspects of myself that perhaps really need and could benefit from my presence and unconditional love…I know that I get to have it all, I get to have my solo adventures and meditation retreats, and I also get to have deep intimate juicy fun exciting human relationships that uplift my Spirit and support me to become more of my truest most LOVINg self.
So cheers to the masterclass that is fully and truly showing up for love even when it hurts in intimate human relationships!