The head injuries are making me feel crazy

Yeah, nobody really knows about it either

The time I snorted white powder to the point of my brain melting – Living with the after effects of it for many years 

The time I had drank absinthe and fell straight back and hit the back of my head really hard on the concrete, I heard something crack and change in my head 

Nobody knows that sometimes I have zero memory of anything – I don’t even know who I am, my name, ethnicity, age…I have moments of not knowing what my life is like, and then I remember slowly again….Sometimes I see my partner enter the room and I think, who is that beautiful man, then slowly after a moment or two Im like oh, he is my partner….

This early am I was reminded of the time I fell and hit my head, and it triggered in me a strong trauma response, so I have been feeling a bit off today…..Doing my best to stay put together. 

Yet even the most normal tasks seem to be intense…….I had a hard time doing my yoga Nidra today, to lay still, as my whole body is shaky and fidgety, I asked my partner to squeeze my body, hold my arms down, to put weight on me….This kinda helped….

Also moving around on the bed like a wild animal, shaking crying….

This is one if the things I experience every now and then, and it’s not easy or fun, yet it’s life. 

My past was a wild one, I still feel it in the body at times and there are certain things that really trigger it and bring it back up, sometimes its even a small thing. 

I do not make it wrong, even though I do judge myself as fucking crazy….like really crazy….but that’s okay too. 

It’s easy to share the fun shiny lovely feelings, yet this feels harder because I do not want pity or concern, I just want to feel that this too can be shared and be brought into the light, as its also a part of life for me. 

I am a functioning human, yet some days I feel I can’t function, and that is okay. All I want is to be held down, weight on me, arms held and legs held down….I think I need two people for this haha. Omg that be so wonderful right about now.