After my near death
I said
I will never have s e x again and I am SO okay with it
I associated s e x with pain and disconnection
Perhaps some pleasure too yet not the type of pleasure I was interested in as it didn’t actually feel like soul nourishment
I longed for connection to something bigger then my impermanent self, meaning connection to what’s real and eternal, to God, I longed for connection to the Divine above all else, to be guided by this space and live from here every day
I for some reason did not believe it was possible to experience this connecting to God in s e x, this opening to the heavenly realms
So I was happy to not have it be apart of my life
Nature and silence was all I needed
Yet as life goes, it brought me an earth angel whom I had intense strong energy with, my body was so activated and drawn to him, he was a very masculine man, older of course, I think almost 50, however in amazing shape, also I felt his mindset and heart was really resonating with me.
I met him and it seemed life moved us together, it was hard to not want to be one with him in the flesh, I felt the pull so strongly yet I also sensed a block there, a roadblock, something I needed to face before I could move forward with him.
It was the vulnerability of telling him the truth, of sharing the pain I stored in my womb, opening that up was so scary, I was ok with never going to this area again, I had felt happy to just live the nun life.
Yet seems I’m a naturally s e x u a l being, aren’t we all in some way, so life was asking me to face what was in the way from me enjoying it in a whole new way, yet it involved opening my heart to all those painful memories stored in my womb, yet with this man, I felt safe to go there…
I shared everything, all the experiences I had lived yet never told anyone, I felt the pain, anger, sadness all at once, he was there, not afraid of any of it, a calm loving open presence…my body was in a fetus position crying and curling into itself from pain moving in me as I opened up to feeling it all.
I was curling into his chest as close as I could, I cried and cried, I felt scared, devastated, heartbroken all the feels at once…
the beauty of this was that it was all being held by this space of his open loving heart, as well as my open loving heart…
I was breathing slowly, everything got really quiet, I opened my eyes, I felt so present, so emotionally current, I felt like all that pain had been alchemized, I felt a sense of more freedom then I had felt previously, also a feeling of love for the brothers I had experienced all that pain with, compassion and forgiveness, seeing how we were all co creators of those destructive ways.
Opening your heart to ALL of it is the way of tantra, opening your heart to feeling the depth of pain, because you trust it will only bring you closer to God, to feeling loves presence even more.
I was able to share with this man exactly what I needed in s e x in order for it to feel good for me, he heard all of it and fully met me in all of it, I had a few more strong emotional releases with him where he would end up just holding me and breathing with me, once I had moved through many waves of pain, something new opened up for me, I saw and felt only God, only the presence of love, I for a moment wondered: did we take mdma?
But no, we were more sober then I think I’ve ever been…. Sober and awake to feel it all without resistance or fear, only with open loving courageous hearts. ????
Open your heart my friends, if there is any part of you that you are unwilling to love, my invitation is you lean into it, explore it, because now more then ever we need humans with the courage to love even when it hurts, to lean in when it could feel easier to run away or numb…
We need to come alive, open heart helps, because then the energy and all emotions can flow and be alchemized ♥️????????with an open heart I see how it’s all for me.
I bow to it all with gratitude. …