I feel like I just want to go away from him, before he hurts me it is best I leave him.

Why do I have so much pain associated to him being with another women, I really do, but why, I know it’s always going to be in the most loving open truthful way if it does happen….The reality I live in is so loving, yet the mind that is holding onto pain makes believe it is otherwise, creates a nightmare….

It is just stories I am creating that causes me to feel extreme despair and hurt…I wonder if I am addicted to this feeling? I think some part of me must really enjoy feeling this way since I keep feeling this way in times when he is doing such simple things such as just talking to a women I believe he likes or has been with before.

I watch the mind going into all kinds of horrible stories that are SO far from the truth, yet it keeps being replayed, its like I have big thorns and I make them as big as I can to get him to go away, yet as always, he stays, and loves me, this cracks me open, and it fucking hurts….It is the part of a long term committed relationship I do not like yet it is also the part I love the most, oh gosh, it drives me crazy….I feel SO incredibly blessed.

I’m amazed this still happens though, I feel likes its crippling at times, so painful, yet somehow because I feel the deep pain, somehow I feel better afterwards, yet I wonder, can I ever be free from it? Or is this the wrong question to ask perhaps, maybe its more can I ever learn to really love this part too, fully and wholeheartedly? Like as long as I want myself to be different and not feel what I am feeling it will be so so painful…I must allow my tears to flow, allow the feelings to bubble up, stay open to this energy too….

It is when I close up that I trap it somewhere, and this causes more tensions, pain and destruction…..This is also a great opportunity to see who I really am, to be in the witness, understand this is not my eternal self, this is the changing self, egos problems and beliefs, illusions that I make up to be real by the attention I give to it.

I see where I am giving into stories that are far from true yet make me feel so horrible, unworthy and not good enough, I see how I create these feelings because I am actually allowing these stories into my reality and present moment, this is why I think, holy wow, am I addicted to this suffering?? Ever since I first had this experience of this pain I’ve been replaying the same feeling over and over, and it is not fair to the people Now in my life, as they are NEVER going to treat me the way I was treated before….

I can trust that the people in my life now love me so deeply, and that they are truthful and communicate their desires and attractions with me, I can trust that I will be included and prioritized….Yet for some reason, some very hurt part of me, just keeps this belief that no matter how good it seems, I will be hurt, I will be betrayed…..I just gotta love her so much now, she needs my love, and she deserves my loving presence, perhaps I usually just want her to go away, yet I see this is not the answer, the answer it not for her to go away, the answer is for me to love bigger, more fully, more truly, all of me…..

I see the key is to stay emotionally current, to take responsibility and release my emotions when they are strong, to do the right thing, use the tools I have available to me, like shaking for example, its so great to move into a powerful shake journey if I am in very intense emotions, this always keeps me emotionally current and more in the present moment.

What I have to say with this sharing and post, is that its so okay for us to notice where there is still parts of us holding onto unresolved pain, and the things that trigger us are the pointers to showing us where there may still be this pain, so notice what triggers you, and go deeper, ask yourself, who is feeling triggered? Go deeper and find the root cause of this pain….

There may be a discovery of parts of you that still believe that you somehow could lack love, or a belief that you can be unworthy or not good enough. These beliefs are far from the truth, yet so many people suffer from them, I say do the deeper looking, and then consciously do what you need to do to release and let these limiting beliefs go, this is my work, my practice, over and over, coming home to the eternal truth that I am so worthy, always so worthy, that I am a perfect child of God, innocent and pure, I am the Love I seek in outside things, I am this love that is always growing, so never can there be such a thing as lack of love or lack or worth.  Cheers to that, and cheers to facing all of yourself with love, compassion and patience….