I married myself about 6 months ago. 

Inner union of masculine and feminine. 

The feeling is wholeness.

It’s really powerful and loving.

I had no idea what a commitment like this would bring, as I made vows that I spoke out loud in the marriage ceremony as well as a private ceremony I did with Pele. 

Actually writing vows, reading them out loud with Pele as my witness, being devoted to them has been quite a ride.

Kinda wild and even scary at times, because the vows are so potent, bringing me into having to live a life in alignment with my true values and the power and true healing that can come from this is scary to me at times. (Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, it’s that we are powerful beyond measure)

Like woah, it’s actually possible to change, even this, this thing I felt I was doomed to live with forever.

I’m seeing that I’m being given an opportunity to actually be opened up in a way I never imagined possible.

What’s coming up from this is this part of me that doesn’t want to change, this part that wants to hold onto the familiar, 

to the things that feel normal even if some of the feelings of normal have been very painful and heartbreaking.

Like self abandonment for example in order to show up for others how they want me to, or stories that what someone does or does not do will determine how I feel about myself, as if they are the source of how I feel. 

In marriage,

I think there can be lots of real opportunity for true healing. 

An opportunity to be made aware of all the unconscious programs that have been running underneath the surface, become aware of all the unmet childhood needs and the wounding from that. 

I think I can be aware of all this now more then ever because I am committed to this type of love, not petty bullshit I’m someone special kinda love, yet Love. 

The kind of love that will shine onto all the places inside where there is still deep hurt or pain, and how that hurt and pain shows up and impact the now present relationships and connections I have..

Especially if I’m interacting with men whom I feel I’ve opened up more with, like revealed my heart, also opened up more sexually and allowed myself to be touched and allowed myself to soften into their embrace, especially with men like this can these places of pain or hurt get triggered easier, men whom my heart feels open to and I am really attracted to. They are just being themselves, living their life, but maybe a small thing like them not showing up in the way I want them too will trigger this thing in me where all of a sudden I’m not present anymore and back in some painful experience or unconscious program story from the past. 

And I wonder, is that normal? Does that make sense? Why does that happen? 

I really am attracted to the man yet what also comes in is more the familiar feeling he gives me of love from my father when my father was present with me, my fathers love and presence was literally the best feeling ever for my little girl. 

Some mens heart, love and presence reminds me of his love and presence, and that affects me so much, yet I’m not so sure it’s healthy for me to relate with men if I’m subtly also projecting my papa onto them, especially if I’m not fully always aware of it, perhaps being aware of it is the most important thing, owning it when it’s happening, owning when my little girl is online and giving her what she needs. 

My little girl is just wanting my papas love again so badly,  some men remind me of his love, now I feel it and I never want to lose it but now I fear I will and that will equal so much pain and hurt….it’s like a set up for a disaster, re living of the pain again and again, I’m not being fully present and centered in the here and now, I’m seeing through a lens, this I am aware of now, seeing the illusions I’ve made real in my mind. 

Its anxious attachment that’s triggered, I even think it’s co dependency perhaps, I don’t really know, I’ve only recently heard these words more, yet I also do know when I really am clear and seeing. 

I just been feeling a bit out of my center last few days, like I could be more grounded and in my own energy, yet I’m with family so it’s also not always the easiest for me….yet I’m also super grateful for all I’m being shown and made aware of from this. 

Back to my little girl 

My little girl wonders, how do I need to be for you to stay with me? Okay I need to be nice, I’ll be nice for you… okay I need to not fully express what I feel in order to not make anyone upset? Okay I’ll do that if that’s what I need to do to get you to want to be with me and approve of me, because your love is the best love, You are my first love and I need it to survive in this world….this is my little girl, she felt she needed him, his presence and love sooo much…when it was clear it was not possible to receive that from him, that’s the day everything went dark, that’s the day all love was gone, that was the perception at that time anyways. 

.. this does not feel healthy at all….. 

It’s a interesting program and I’m kinda seeing it more and more, I was dependent on my papas love and presence as if it was the source of what made me feel happy and alive in this world.

Some error of seeing thinking he is that for me, not remembering that I am that for me, it’s inside me, right here. 

So I acknowledge I got some daddy issues y’all! And in this self marriage we will get through this and come out victorious, I will change heal and grow. 

I thank the few embodied heart centered men whom I related with recently who have helped shine a light onto all this within myself.. without you being so fucking beautiful and yourself I couldn’t see it. 

I create it all, I am the source of all these creations, I project it, am I ready to let go of projecting the deepest pain and heartbreak ???? Let go of needing this familiar feeling of abandonment and being left by the man I love the most and being sad because of it? 

Am I ready to end this addiction to sadness and hurt? Or do I get off on it so much I won’t let it go?

Is it the familiar feeling I want even if it’s painful and doesn’t serve anymore? 

Thank God for pillars of love in this world, because of pillars of love, everything that is not matching this love, will show itself, come up, and be resolved, dissolved back into its original source, so long as we love and extend compassion to all this vs judge it or try to escape from feeling it we will be alright……I’ve learned I can’t escape myself. Gotta face it all with love even the most messy painful ugly whatever I label it as, it’s a gift to face it, then I can return home truly as a whole integrated being. 

Home to this heaven on earth. 

I guess the reason I care about all this is because I care about relationships and that they are clean and transparent, coming from a clear space, and an awareness of all our parts and coming together, relating from wholeness. 

That’s why I heal myself or unravel all this within me…. So I can relate from a clean clear space with others when I do. 

After I got married to myself I met a man, he has been a big part of this journey for me, a trigger really for me to see all this. 

I am deeply grateful for him, he doesn’t even know it how much him just being himself and not apologizing for it has helped me to heal and see all this about myself, his freedom and wild loving expression is healing for my Soul and whole being. In fact all the men I’ve met after my move to the big island like 8 years ago, wow, thank you. 

Y’all are supporting me to connect deeper to myself and to feel deeper, to rise in my power. I really want to acknowledge all the powerful men. Never again do I want to project my papa issues onto them just because I haven’t done my own healing. 

I’m deeply sorry for projecting my own hurt onto anybody, I am so deeply sorry. ♥️ and I forgive myself too. 

I see how easily I could go into blame or pointing fingers if I’m not willing to feel this deeper space within me that is calling out for love and presence. 

I also see how all these beautiful men are a reflection of me, I’m attracting men who are healing opening and like the most powerful loving presence for me, because I really am that for myself too, what I see in them is what is in me, I am really so very powerful, feeling humbled to say it, yet it’s true…… 

I’m laying naked on the earth, heart open, tears running down my face, sun shining on my body…….I’m okay, I’m so safe in all this, it’s not been easy and I didn’t think it would be, fuck that was a powerful marriage ceremony, no wonder I am receiving this now. Letting go of shaming or judging the parts…the anxious, the trauma, the co dependent tendencies… I do not feel this has to control me or affect my life, so long as I learn to be present to it with love and compassion, so long as I take care of myself and meet my own needs, so long as I honor the life force that wants to create beauty and art through me, so long as I breathe, open and relax into the here and now. 

When I get triggered, it’s important I don’t continue to try to engage from that space, or when I feel out of my body, ungrounded,  overthinking, it’s a clear sign I need to slow down, put my hands on my own body, breathe, move dance give it space vs try to pretend it’s not there, it’s important I learn to be present with me, especially the parts that are a bit more uneasy or uncomfortable, because if I just breathe open to it in the moment, let it move and give it space, then it won’t impact me as much or as hard, it’s important I’m honest about what’s alive, vs try to play cool or act “normal”. 

Thank you to this life. ?

Oh so humbling. 

That’s all for now….