This presence, this moment, we are all worthy of it.

If you find yourself overthinking, in doubt or overly questioning yourself, if you feel worry or any type of concern…Know that in this moment you can give it all up to Love, to God, to Life, to Source, to the Creator, you can unburden yourself by giving all up, let the weight off you, you don’t need to hold it all, Love can hold it, God can hold it. In the moment of you giving it up to let Love hold it for you you may see how easily it vanishes and dissolves into nothing. 

It’s all unnecessary. 

Only thoughts of love relief and ease are important now, these thoughts that make you feel inner peace and love are what matter and are what we will leave space for. 

Anything else in the moment that Love holds it will instantly dissolve and make be gone. 

How easy is this, we just have to give it to God and God takes care of it, God, aka Love, Love aka God, God aka the Creator and Source. This higher power, higher Self, who we truly are, the infinite eternal self will make the bullshit and noise vanish in an instant. 

This is the power of who we really are. 

We all deserve to walk the streets at night looking up at the night sky, feeling the warm breeze, watching the trees dance with the wind, feeling the love from our beloved next to us, we all deserve to fully and truly be in that moment, knowing nothing else exists but this eternal present moment. This is all we ever got. Now Now Now Now Now Now……Always Now. Master living here, this is living in truth vs illusions. All false identities will die here, a huge shedding happens here, freedom and liberation happens right here, right now. 

The food I eat effect my mental health big time, the health of my gut microbiome is crucial for me to think clearly and actually live in the truth of reality vs in stories and  past pain and traumas. 

If I think for a moment that it does not matter what I eat, well I tell ya, I’m wrong. 

So this is not the case always of course, but if Im already struggling with my mental health then definitely to take a more conscious look at what Im allowing to come into my body, what I am eating, is very very important if I actually want to feel better mentally. I take mental health very seriously, its no joke having poor mental health, many people because of their mental health are put on serious medication and drugs, also many commit suicide….This is heart breaking. 

I have seen that there are a few ways I def can contribute to myself having very poor mental health. Some of the activities that contribute to it for me is this: Overeating, lack of sleep and then trying to supplement lack of sleep with caffeine, eating heavy greasy foods not made by me, from for example a hot food bar, eating processed sugary things or heavy foods on a regular basis, scrolling mindlessly on social media, over consuming information of any kind, listening to much to others opinions vs feeling my own deeper truth in the moment, regular coffee consumption, (every now and then is ok but daily even just for 3 days in a row and I’m loosing it in a very scary way), short lived clitorial orgasms, not honoring my no and not speaking my truth, being in my unconscious people pleasing mode….

So these are the ways I myself contribute to feeling like shit mentally, I take full ownership in that I am the one responsible for me feeling bad, I am also responsible for myself feeling really fucking epic and amazing, I have the power to create feeling shitty or to create feeling fucking epic! 

Sometimes I have noticed the part of me that likes the pain and destruction, some part that is still romanticizing pain and suffering, this is okay, yet what’s not ok in this is if I actually start to make myself out to be a victim, as if I have no control in how my life unfolds. 

I have so much power, I have choice, I have free will, I get to choose what I give my time and energy to in one day, yet funny sometimes it feels like I don’t have a choice, sometimes I don’t feel free, I feel deeply burdened and like a victim to my overthinking mind and addictive personality. I feel humbled to share this, but its true y’all, I still have some of these addictive tendencies. No longer is it alcohol drugs and sex, now it’s more like heavy foods, drama and caffeine. 

Im not saying all this to bring myself down, Im speaking this because it’s actually really freeing to own it more, to be shameless in exposing and revealing all of me. 

If I hide nothing from the world I feel free, If I let you see all of me without being afraid of your judgements of me, I feel free. Anyways anyone who judges the person is not anyways judging “Me”. Only thing that ever judges is a person towards another person, so beautiful and innocent really. 

So mental health, its so fucking crucial to prioritize, what I focus on I notice becomes more, so as much as I love the shadow work and feeling the pain and the hurt, I also recognize there needs to be a beautiful balance, because even shadow work can become a distraction and a pulling us away from the truth of the moment. 

Im a really fucking amazing human being, but the last few weeks have been showing me the places where I am not, I am a really beautiful human too, yet the last few weeks have shown me some very ugly sides, Im a very happy strong powerful being, yet I’ve also seen how I am also weak and deeply grieving. 

This is such beautiful proof that I am everything, also nothing. This is also showing me that if I identify with anything, like for example being beautiful, that also means I can be the opposite of that, any self image I hold about myself will only create a problem if I don’t live up to it, and that’s a great recipe for suffering and pain. 

So let me tall you all something, Im a little bit of everything, all rolled into one!!! Haha 😀 Had to bring in the Alan’s Morisette song 😉 

Now before I end this post, let me list some of the ways I contribute to myself having epic amazing mental health: 

I go to sleep before 10 PM

I take naps and do yoga Nidra almost daily 

I hydrate myself with mineral rich liquids – bitter green juices, coconut water etc

I practice sex magic and circulation of my sexual energy, breath work during self pleasure or sex

I eat the size of my fist, I eat slowly and with so much gratitude, in silence

I write, create videos, sing songs and play my ukulele 

I move my body with daily walks, yoga and dancing

I speak up and reveal my naked truth! 

I work out and activate my muscles and get myself breathing deeper! 

I get sunshine on my whole body, anus and yoni on a regular daily basis if possible! Even just 10 minutes on both sides will do. 

I take saunas and get into water on a regular basis. 

I listen to amazing audiobooks such a Radical Acceptance, The Untethered Soul or Conversations With God.

I fast once a week on a regular basis. 

I go outside, smile and say hey to strangers, I go do something new and fun or outside my normal routine.

I call and talk to really beautiful wise friends…..

This and so much more! Infinite ways to improve out mental health! Honestly a dopamine fast is long due for me. No food internet or social interactions for a few days at least! Yeah Ive heard great things on that. 

Okay that’s all for me today, appreciate you reading, please do share your mental health hacks, we could all benefit from one another’s support. 

I shared a huge powerful orgasm yesterday with my partner, it was truly incredible and oh so pleasurable and expansive, but let me tell ya, in the future instead of exploding this energy out of my body, I truly fucking commit to keeping it in and instead breathing deeper to circulate it within my body, riding the wave of pleasure more with awareness and equanimity vs going after the pleasure, I mean usually this is what I do but somehow yesterdays full moon got me ??

I commit to pausing, breathing fuller and deeper with my partner vs choose the explosion of pleasure, the commitment to breathing more and circulating the energy, yes, that feels so important to me, and it’s oh so pleasurable too!

Because honestly what comes up that much must go down, so today a day after this experience, I’m feeling all the feels, a bit lower than normal, also some sadness feelings.

Now I know there ain’t really a problem with anything I’m feeling, only problem is the thoughts stories and narrative I create around what I’m feeling.

I actually feel really amazing when I tune into it, just a bit more quiet and introverted, like a cozy and spacious feeling, feeling of being raw and exposed too, wanting to be in a cave.

I honestly want a day on my own away from my partner after an orgasm like that, it’s interesting how that is, does anyone else have this feeling too? Wanting space the next day from the person you shared a powerful orgasm with? Haha gosh it sounds kinda nuts, I feel weird admitting this, but yeah I just want a day for myself after a shared experience like that, and I think what’s gets me feeling strange is if I don’t own this and share it with my partner. I must own the truth that I need space even in times when things are so beautiful and amazing, when we have expansive experiences I need space for me afterwards. This is so important for me and it’s beautiful. Me wanting space often is beautiful, I own it, I celebrate it vs get into a story that I should feel differently or I should be in another way then I genuinely am.

I’m feeling like life has so many profound experiences, so much potency unfolding, I really cherish the time and space to process it all and integrate it all, reflect and just feel it more in my body. I can’t always move from one thing to the next, the pause, stillness and reflection is so important, the pausing to give thanks and feel gratitude, it’s so important I give myself this time I’m realizing.

I need to learn and remember to communicate my needs more, to own my naked truth, and not apologize for it, not make it wrong.

It’s funny because when we make love and don’t have that huge pleasurable orgasm, and instead we circulate and bring the energy up our spines and back down again, really spreading the orgasmic energy all around within our bodies through our intentional breathing together, that’s when I finish feeling so alive, so orgasmic, a lot more balanced centered and full, but when I explode in the pleasure and feel it kinda shooting out of me into the universe, that’s when I feel a bit more low, different the next day. Now of course I always hold the most beautiful visions in those moments of orgasm, I see and think the most potent empowering thoughts and images, I let the orgasm amplify more of what I desire in my life, yet even still, to me it’s just not worth it to have pleasurable orgasms when instead I could literally feel orgasmic long after I’m done making love.

Yeah, that’s what I choose. Phew!!

Love yourself no matter what that’s what this journey is about. 

Something i’ve noticed, and this is so great,  is I notice I want to run away from this relationship so I can be more peaceful again and like who I am again, yet am I really changing then or am I just changing my environment? I notice I have this story that its because of the other person I cannot be peaceful, its because of him…..

Yes I feel its great to have space and solo time, everyone needs that, it can be very healthy and important, I definitely need that in my life.

Yet there is a type of space and solo time I say I want when I am in reaction and trigger, when I am judging him and feeling uncomfortable feelings and emotions,

is this not the time to really stay and be curious, to stay and really see it as an opportunity for growth and change into perhaps a more compassionate way of responding to things? Or it is also an opportunity to be vulnerable and share what is happening for me, to feel my triggers and look deeper inside on what is really there, to move the energy or to express my world to him in a neutral this is what Im observing in me kind of way. 

Cant this feeling of being triggered be the doorway for my freedom and experience of more love in my life, cant this be an opening and path to experience more of the Love that I am???  Yes it can, but ego wants to avoid this! Ego cant stand this!

Its like I’m wanting to escape changing through relationships by avoiding them and being alone, its like my ego does not want to change, it just wants to run away and be “peaceful” again in environments where it knows it will be peaceful, in environments where nothing can show or reveal the inner thorns and core wounds.

Yet how then is there really any benefit to going to these ten day silent retreats or to these peaceful places if all I’m going to do is be craving to go to more of them so I can avoid the real master class witch is being involved in conscious human relationships, deep intimate human connections and relationships? 

Is it really not possible to remain peaceful, aware and equanimous while interacting, relating and listening to others? Especially my most intimate partner? 

It is not possible if those interactions reveal thorns and wounds inside myself constantly that I am unwilling to look at or heal or give presence to. 

If I am unwilling to face my own stuff, own my stuff, take responsibility for my stuff versus project it out, then it will be very very hard to have any peace or awareness in a relationship, it will instead become a unconscious toxic relationship that might just grow the ego even more and create more thorns and wounds inside. 

Relationships can be a place to go to sleep and act out unconscious patterns, habits and behaviors or it can be a place to awaken, heal, change, grow, learn and become a greater person who is capable of showing up with courage, love compassion and vulnerability in all areas of once life, a relationship can be a way to become more of who we already are, to embody more of what we already are, LOVE, or it can be a way to become stronger in ego…

It takes radical honesty and radical self acceptance in order to have this type of relationship where LOVE is what gets embodied more and more, it takes a willingness to face and meet death within oneself, because very well ego might die in many ways, these self images and identities we have held onto, these stories about who we are and these programs of how we react to things, these things may die and perish if we choose to show up for this type of relationship, where we choose a change that truly brings more peace in the world, versus just a short-lived distraction because you removed everything from the world so you can’t be disturbed type of experience.

Intimate committed relationships is like the master class in peacefulness, compassion and unconditional love – Silent meditation retreats and solo time in paradise is kind of easy honestly compared to that! Haha that is my opinion at least, that’s what my experiences have shown. 

And my ego wants to run away from the masterclass again and again, “get me the fuck out of here so I can be peaceful sweet and compassionate again because I don’t like who I am when I feel triggered, also I don’t want to change and grow out of this because this is my identity and I will do whatever it takes to stay in it!” Ego does not know how to be with triggers and stronger emotions in a loving spacious supportive way, yet who I truly am does, my Soul does, I just have to be willing to be more of WHO I TRULY AM versus caught in small reactive ego. Yet nothing is separate from me, so also I recognize I am too this ego, and from this space I can have more openness and compassion, versus ego must die mentality…

Yet the truth is…. ego dies a sweet death often in this life, I even think ego is used to it by now haha! How great, getting used to death and dying, that’s great because we will then be more prepared for the ultimate one that we will be blessed with at some point in this life, we know for sure that is coming. 

So I’m SO grateful for human relationships, no matter how much harder they are to me compared to being alone or being in meditation retreats, I realized that the intimate human relationships, or in fact all of them intimate or not, are and can be like the most advanced meditation retreat ever, like a true masterclass in unconditional love, compassion and peacefulness, of course that is only possible if we make it possible by our willingness to show up and die haha and our willingness to be vulnerable, truthful, honest, brave and our willingness to be seen in our messy, scared, raw and hurt, also our willingness to be seen in our ecstatic joy, playfulness, success and thriving! 

Yes, I am bowing my head to this blessing, because we are surrounded by humans on this planet, and we have the opportunity to build relationships with them all, shallow or deep, but either way, have them be rooted in love and peacefulness…..and I’m not saying that it can’t look like an honest “fuck off” either, because I feel we can definitely have peacefulness love and compassion in moments when we don’t want somebody around and when we are very truthful and clear about that, it can be so simple and easy…..yet also hard and challenging, yet that is what makes it more fun. 

SO thanks for reading my words today about my experience with human relationships, I def have not always been a lover of being around humans, or I have this feeling I just want to be alone in the forest with plants and the elements…..And yes, I will honor this too, yet I will be aware to notice if I only want this because I am protecting myself from the pain of true change into a ruthless LOVER of it all, I will stay aware to see that I go out to be solo and alone for the right reasons, instead of doing it to avoid deeply feeling or facing certain aspects of myself that perhaps really need and could benefit from my presence and unconditional love…I know that I get to have it all, I get to have my solo adventures and meditation retreats, and I also get to have deep intimate juicy fun exciting human relationships that uplift my Spirit and support me to become more of my truest most LOVINg self.

So cheers to the masterclass that is fully and truly showing up for love even when it hurts in intimate human relationships!

WOW!!!

Today I for the first time ever allowed myself to experience an oming session, I had felt scared and resistant to asking my partner Wayne to do it with me, funny and strange as he is my partner, I still felt so vulnerable to do a session like this with him, and its like why? I have had wild sex with him multiple times already, and deep vulnerable tears running down my face sex too. Yet I noticed my ego resistant to doing it with him, to allowing him to see me in such a vulnerable place, the ego that is always on guard and protecting me from illusions created in the mind.

Yet in my life, usually when I notice this kind of resistance, it is a sign that I need to do it, I need to jump in and do it.

So I did, released my fears of being seen in whatever was going to arise for me in the session, I welcomed any experience and just told myself that whatever it is, whatever comes up, I will love it, I will stay present with my sensations and be aware of breathing deep and continue to open to the experience, just breathe and keep opening.

I’ve received yoni massage before and sacred spot massage, but never an actual Oming session, its quite specific actually.

What is orgasmic meditation – Oming?

Orgasmic meditation (or “OM” as its loving, loyal community members call it) is a unique wellness practice that combines mindfulness, touching and pleasure.

For the uninitiated, it’s a partnered experience of stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes, with only one goal: let go and feel.

In the beginning of the journey I felt very safe, held and supported by Wayne, he embraces all of me so well, I felt his presence and depth so deeply in this session, especially in the beginning for me it meant the world to me how he showed up as I was a bit nervous and behaving a bit goofy, he was just there with me, present in his own body, I could feel that, and that is such an important quality if I am going to do anything like this with another man, that I feel him present, if I do not feel presence, I cannot allow touch or anything to happen, it also helps me to drop in deeply to be present with my body and my breath, to surrender into deep feeling and opening.

This Oming experience was powerful, I told Wayne at times to give more pressure, faster then slower, I had fun exploring how I wanted the touch, yet also I was very interested in staying in one place, and going really deeply into feeling what was there when we stayed in one place for sometime.

I am very proud of myself for seeing how confident and unafraid I have become when it comes to speaking up and stating what I want in situations like this, versus just laying back and taking it, I feel communication and using our voices is SO important if we are going to be in experiences like this with others, very important to feel safe is to know how to speak up and use your voice, otherwise you may go along with something that does not feel good and later feel traumatized and icky…

Luckliy those days are ending as the feminine and masculine are both learning how to feel their bodies, know their boundaries and speak their truth in sex and in life, so thank God for that.

After some exploration of different speed, pressure and location – I felt I had arrived at a perfect place, now I wanted to stay there, breathe and open, be a witness to whatever was coming up for me.

There was this very powerful moment when I felt a wave of energy going up the back of my spine, as it reached my head it resulted in me opening up into blissful tears, it was a powerful softening that happened, I felt a new level of softness I had not felt in a while, I see how being in this softness is true power for me, yet I notice how in everyday life I can get so hard, be protective when really there is no need for it, yet I still notice how ego at times wants me to stay in hardness, so the moment when I felt that wave of energy flow up my spine and create a feeling of expansive tears in me, this was a moment I felt more power from opening up to softness, vulnerability and love.

What I learned through this first oming session is this: Our softness, tenderness, gentleness, vulnerability and sweet love is true power and true strength. I realized so much that it’s from this place I would like to lead from, create from and live from, it feels so much like hOMe.

I also learned that what my ego makes up things to be, is always so far from the truth, I learned that I need never allow doubtful fearful thoughts to control my life ever again.

I feel free, open whole, expansive. Looking forward to continuing this practice of oming with Wayne, as its such a powerful way to also feel really rooted and in the earth, in the body, grounded.

I feel like I just want to go away from him, before he hurts me it is best I leave him.

Why do I have so much pain associated to him being with another women, I really do, but why, I know it’s always going to be in the most loving open truthful way if it does happen….The reality I live in is so loving, yet the mind that is holding onto pain makes believe it is otherwise, creates a nightmare….

It is just stories I am creating that causes me to feel extreme despair and hurt…I wonder if I am addicted to this feeling? I think some part of me must really enjoy feeling this way since I keep feeling this way in times when he is doing such simple things such as just talking to a women I believe he likes or has been with before.

I watch the mind going into all kinds of horrible stories that are SO far from the truth, yet it keeps being replayed, its like I have big thorns and I make them as big as I can to get him to go away, yet as always, he stays, and loves me, this cracks me open, and it fucking hurts….It is the part of a long term committed relationship I do not like yet it is also the part I love the most, oh gosh, it drives me crazy….I feel SO incredibly blessed.

I’m amazed this still happens though, I feel likes its crippling at times, so painful, yet somehow because I feel the deep pain, somehow I feel better afterwards, yet I wonder, can I ever be free from it? Or is this the wrong question to ask perhaps, maybe its more can I ever learn to really love this part too, fully and wholeheartedly? Like as long as I want myself to be different and not feel what I am feeling it will be so so painful…I must allow my tears to flow, allow the feelings to bubble up, stay open to this energy too….

It is when I close up that I trap it somewhere, and this causes more tensions, pain and destruction…..This is also a great opportunity to see who I really am, to be in the witness, understand this is not my eternal self, this is the changing self, egos problems and beliefs, illusions that I make up to be real by the attention I give to it.

I see where I am giving into stories that are far from true yet make me feel so horrible, unworthy and not good enough, I see how I create these feelings because I am actually allowing these stories into my reality and present moment, this is why I think, holy wow, am I addicted to this suffering?? Ever since I first had this experience of this pain I’ve been replaying the same feeling over and over, and it is not fair to the people Now in my life, as they are NEVER going to treat me the way I was treated before….

I can trust that the people in my life now love me so deeply, and that they are truthful and communicate their desires and attractions with me, I can trust that I will be included and prioritized….Yet for some reason, some very hurt part of me, just keeps this belief that no matter how good it seems, I will be hurt, I will be betrayed…..I just gotta love her so much now, she needs my love, and she deserves my loving presence, perhaps I usually just want her to go away, yet I see this is not the answer, the answer it not for her to go away, the answer is for me to love bigger, more fully, more truly, all of me…..

I see the key is to stay emotionally current, to take responsibility and release my emotions when they are strong, to do the right thing, use the tools I have available to me, like shaking for example, its so great to move into a powerful shake journey if I am in very intense emotions, this always keeps me emotionally current and more in the present moment.

What I have to say with this sharing and post, is that its so okay for us to notice where there is still parts of us holding onto unresolved pain, and the things that trigger us are the pointers to showing us where there may still be this pain, so notice what triggers you, and go deeper, ask yourself, who is feeling triggered? Go deeper and find the root cause of this pain….

There may be a discovery of parts of you that still believe that you somehow could lack love, or a belief that you can be unworthy or not good enough. These beliefs are far from the truth, yet so many people suffer from them, I say do the deeper looking, and then consciously do what you need to do to release and let these limiting beliefs go, this is my work, my practice, over and over, coming home to the eternal truth that I am so worthy, always so worthy, that I am a perfect child of God, innocent and pure, I am the Love I seek in outside things, I am this love that is always growing, so never can there be such a thing as lack of love or lack or worth.  Cheers to that, and cheers to facing all of yourself with love, compassion and patience….

Outcome happiness – only happy if this happens or that person likes me or I get that job or I look this way or I get this approval or I make lots of money or I have that shiny car……all these things are great, but they are not what give true real deep genuine happiness, this kind of happiness cannot be found in this world….it’s beyond it…it’s You.