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I am avoidant at times.

Especially because I’m really attracted to you and you stir things up in me, I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable in my feelings, or like I’m going wild and I will lose control with you.

I can’t help but get dripping wet by your presence, heart opens and is so deeply touched.

I choose to show up present, to see You, vs my projections of you or what I can get from you.

What I want most with us is genuine present connection, care and consideration, honesty and courageous heart sharing.

I choose to show up in courageous presence and wild free love with you. Because you are deserving of who I truly am, vs relating with me when I have my walls up or am playing some game or trying to be cool.
You and how you are drives me wild. I also cry as I hear your angelic voice. ♥️ tears of gratitude for men like you in my life.

Brings ease relaxation and a feeling of opening in this body……..

After my near death
I said
I will never have s e x again and I am SO okay with it

I associated s e x with pain and disconnection
Perhaps some pleasure too yet not the type of pleasure I was interested in as it didn’t actually feel like soul nourishment

I longed for connection to something bigger then my impermanent self, meaning connection to what’s real and eternal, to God, I longed for connection to the Divine above all else, to be guided by this space and live from here every day

I for some reason did not believe it was possible to experience this connecting to God in s e x, this opening to the heavenly realms

So I was happy to not have it be apart of my life
Nature and silence was all I needed

Yet as life goes, it brought me an earth angel whom I had intense strong energy with, my body was so activated and drawn to him, he was a very masculine man, older of course, I think almost 50, however in amazing shape, also I felt his mindset and heart was really resonating with me.

I met him and it seemed life moved us together, it was hard to not want to be one with him in the flesh, I felt the pull so strongly yet I also sensed a block there, a roadblock, something I needed to face before I could move forward with him.

It was the vulnerability of telling him the truth, of sharing the pain I stored in my womb, opening that up was so scary, I was ok with never going to this area again, I had felt happy to just live the nun life.

Yet seems I’m a naturally s e x u a l being, aren’t we all in some way, so life was asking me to face what was in the way from me enjoying it in a whole new way, yet it involved opening my heart to all those painful memories stored in my womb, yet with this man, I felt safe to go there…

I shared everything, all the experiences I had lived yet never told anyone, I felt the pain, anger, sadness all at once, he was there, not afraid of any of it, a calm loving open presence…my body was in a fetus position crying and curling into itself from pain moving in me as I opened up to feeling it all.

I was curling into his chest as close as I could, I cried and cried, I felt scared, devastated, heartbroken all the feels at once…

the beauty of this was that it was all being held by this space of his open loving heart, as well as my open loving heart…

I was breathing slowly, everything got really quiet, I opened my eyes, I felt so present, so emotionally current, I felt like all that pain had been alchemized, I felt a sense of more freedom then I had felt previously, also a feeling of love for the brothers I had experienced all that pain with, compassion and forgiveness, seeing how we were all co creators of those destructive ways.

Opening your heart to ALL of it is the way of tantra, opening your heart to feeling the depth of pain, because you trust it will only bring you closer to God, to feeling loves presence even more.

I was able to share with this man exactly what I needed in s e x in order for it to feel good for me, he heard all of it and fully met me in all of it, I had a few more strong emotional releases with him where he would end up just holding me and breathing with me, once I had moved through many waves of pain, something new opened up for me, I saw and felt only God, only the presence of love, I for a moment wondered: did we take mdma?

But no, we were more sober then I think I’ve ever been…. Sober and awake to feel it all without resistance or fear, only with open loving courageous hearts. ????

Open your heart my friends, if there is any part of you that you are unwilling to love, my invitation is you lean into it, explore it, because now more then ever we need humans with the courage to love even when it hurts, to lean in when it could feel easier to run away or numb…

We need to come alive, open heart helps, because then the energy and all emotions can flow and be alchemized ♥️????????with an open heart I see how it’s all for me.
I bow to it all with gratitude. …

Aloha,

This is the first video in my new video series called random talks. Basically it’s a in the moment freestyle talk where I just speak on a topic that comes up in the moment, I have not planned or rehearsed what Im going to say at all, so please remember to not take any of my words too seriously. I am simply here expressing myself and doing this because I think its fun. Enjoy! And please feel free to message me your thoughts on this talk, you can message me on my IG: Lovelightfuck

Thanks for watching and stay tuned for another random talks video.

I love the soft skin I feel

I love the soft fuzzy hairs on my thighs 

I love the feeling of my breath flowing in and out through my nostrils 

I love the feeling of the earth beneath my feet 

I love the touch of the air and atmosphere on this naked body 

I love the wetness and pulsing I’m feeling in my yoni 

I love the electricity and sparkling feeling going up my spine 

I love feeling the tongue inside the mouth 

The wetness in the mouth 

I enjoy being in this impermanent body 

I actually love the way it feels 

And if I am being honest

I feel this body is SO beautiful 

Mostly because of how it feels 

Yet also and I say this very humbly 

I like the way this body looks 

Its appearance 

I walk by the mirror and I’m like: “that’s one fine looking earthsuit”

I even get to enjoy my own sexy dances 

Blessed as I am 

I am aware not everyone likes a body that looks like this 

This is so okay

I feel so long as I enjoy this body that’s called Amanda then all is well 

Its not about what anybody else thinks 

Their validation and approval means nothing

My own validation and approval of me and this body means everything 

Well it means that we can enjoy more 

Taste more, play more, live more 

Be like a happy child in this Kingdom of heaven 

I am deserving of this while I am here 

We all are 

For so long I wanted to end it 

Now I have decided to live it to its fullest 

To also know the truth of this body 

Its impermanent nature 

It is like a dress I get to wear that has an expiration date 

Sometimes I pretend I am truly a person 

Hahahahahah!!!

I am enjoying inhabiting impermanent bodies

They are all SO gorgeous and unique 

I would not be able to experience touch and taste as I can being a temporary human 

This is why I choose to inhabit them

The life force that I am 

This infinite energy that is I 

I love to move through bodies 

This is all I desire to do through Amanda 

To express and flow through her effortlessly 

I am grateful she is allowing me to more and more 

I am grateful she is surrendering and softening into the truth 

This lets me express with more ease 

Ok Amandas body is ready to lay in the darkness now. 

So we are signing off. 

Much love to you the reader 🙂 

/Life force energy wrote this through Amandas hands. I am an apparent person and I know I also am not. 

Hahaha can’t get enough of it. What a cosmic joke! 

I’d prefer not to take praise or critique personally

Really what I desire most is feeling my own validation and approval

As I see the physical form Amanda in the mirror 

May I hear the words I love you as I look into those eyes 

Because as I love myself in all the ways

I get to truly love You

And to love You is a great gift

Thank You for receiving this love 

There is a vast infinite space in the small micro movements 

The whole universe is felt in the stillness with another

Also in the movement

As I slow down I recognize it is so much to explore in this one still place

In this gentle soft yet powerful embrace 

Slowly flowing breathing into my heart 

Staying centered in me 

Holding me and this heArt

I got you because I got me 

Give it to me slow saucy and sacred 

Life will never be the same…….

Notes from a talk from Ohad Pele :

When we tap into the divine within, our skin radiates 

The flesh of the body is the gospel of the soul 

Looking at a naked person, you can know so much about them, their naked body and skin is shining and expressing everything about who they are – what is the message of the Soul? It radiates out through the flesh. \

Nudity – Nakedness – Naked Truth – The original form

Why do we cover the body? There is a lot of shame….

A disconnection, forgetting who we are and the body is not communicating it, so we cover it. 

The word for clothes in Hebrew comes from betrayal.

Because of the betrayal between the deep trust of body and soul, we feel the need to cover the body – clothes bypass the betrayal and instead communicate the belief system and culture of that person. When a person stands naked we can see their Soul shine through their skin. 

The head injuries are making me feel crazy

Yeah, nobody really knows about it either

The time I snorted white powder to the point of my brain melting – Living with the after effects of it for many years 

The time I had drank absinthe and fell straight back and hit the back of my head really hard on the concrete, I heard something crack and change in my head 

Nobody knows that sometimes I have zero memory of anything – I don’t even know who I am, my name, ethnicity, age…I have moments of not knowing what my life is like, and then I remember slowly again….Sometimes I see my partner enter the room and I think, who is that beautiful man, then slowly after a moment or two Im like oh, he is my partner….

This early am I was reminded of the time I fell and hit my head, and it triggered in me a strong trauma response, so I have been feeling a bit off today…..Doing my best to stay put together. 

Yet even the most normal tasks seem to be intense…….I had a hard time doing my yoga Nidra today, to lay still, as my whole body is shaky and fidgety, I asked my partner to squeeze my body, hold my arms down, to put weight on me….This kinda helped….

Also moving around on the bed like a wild animal, shaking crying….

This is one if the things I experience every now and then, and it’s not easy or fun, yet it’s life. 

My past was a wild one, I still feel it in the body at times and there are certain things that really trigger it and bring it back up, sometimes its even a small thing. 

I do not make it wrong, even though I do judge myself as fucking crazy….like really crazy….but that’s okay too. 

It’s easy to share the fun shiny lovely feelings, yet this feels harder because I do not want pity or concern, I just want to feel that this too can be shared and be brought into the light, as its also a part of life for me. 

I am a functioning human, yet some days I feel I can’t function, and that is okay. All I want is to be held down, weight on me, arms held and legs held down….I think I need two people for this haha. Omg that be so wonderful right about now. 

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

I married myself about 6 months ago. 

Inner union of masculine and feminine. 

The feeling is wholeness.

It’s really powerful and loving.

I had no idea what a commitment like this would bring, as I made vows that I spoke out loud in the marriage ceremony as well as a private ceremony I did with Pele. 

Actually writing vows, reading them out loud with Pele as my witness, being devoted to them has been quite a ride.

Kinda wild and even scary at times, because the vows are so potent, bringing me into having to live a life in alignment with my true values and the power and true healing that can come from this is scary to me at times. (Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, it’s that we are powerful beyond measure)

Like woah, it’s actually possible to change, even this, this thing I felt I was doomed to live with forever.

I’m seeing that I’m being given an opportunity to actually be opened up in a way I never imagined possible.

What’s coming up from this is this part of me that doesn’t want to change, this part that wants to hold onto the familiar, 

to the things that feel normal even if some of the feelings of normal have been very painful and heartbreaking.

Like self abandonment for example in order to show up for others how they want me to, or stories that what someone does or does not do will determine how I feel about myself, as if they are the source of how I feel. 

In marriage,

I think there can be lots of real opportunity for true healing. 

An opportunity to be made aware of all the unconscious programs that have been running underneath the surface, become aware of all the unmet childhood needs and the wounding from that. 

I think I can be aware of all this now more then ever because I am committed to this type of love, not petty bullshit I’m someone special kinda love, yet Love. 

The kind of love that will shine onto all the places inside where there is still deep hurt or pain, and how that hurt and pain shows up and impact the now present relationships and connections I have..

Especially if I’m interacting with men whom I feel I’ve opened up more with, like revealed my heart, also opened up more sexually and allowed myself to be touched and allowed myself to soften into their embrace, especially with men like this can these places of pain or hurt get triggered easier, men whom my heart feels open to and I am really attracted to. They are just being themselves, living their life, but maybe a small thing like them not showing up in the way I want them too will trigger this thing in me where all of a sudden I’m not present anymore and back in some painful experience or unconscious program story from the past. 

And I wonder, is that normal? Does that make sense? Why does that happen? 

I really am attracted to the man yet what also comes in is more the familiar feeling he gives me of love from my father when my father was present with me, my fathers love and presence was literally the best feeling ever for my little girl. 

Some mens heart, love and presence reminds me of his love and presence, and that affects me so much, yet I’m not so sure it’s healthy for me to relate with men if I’m subtly also projecting my papa onto them, especially if I’m not fully always aware of it, perhaps being aware of it is the most important thing, owning it when it’s happening, owning when my little girl is online and giving her what she needs. 

My little girl is just wanting my papas love again so badly,  some men remind me of his love, now I feel it and I never want to lose it but now I fear I will and that will equal so much pain and hurt….it’s like a set up for a disaster, re living of the pain again and again, I’m not being fully present and centered in the here and now, I’m seeing through a lens, this I am aware of now, seeing the illusions I’ve made real in my mind. 

Its anxious attachment that’s triggered, I even think it’s co dependency perhaps, I don’t really know, I’ve only recently heard these words more, yet I also do know when I really am clear and seeing. 

I just been feeling a bit out of my center last few days, like I could be more grounded and in my own energy, yet I’m with family so it’s also not always the easiest for me….yet I’m also super grateful for all I’m being shown and made aware of from this. 

Back to my little girl 

My little girl wonders, how do I need to be for you to stay with me? Okay I need to be nice, I’ll be nice for you… okay I need to not fully express what I feel in order to not make anyone upset? Okay I’ll do that if that’s what I need to do to get you to want to be with me and approve of me, because your love is the best love, You are my first love and I need it to survive in this world….this is my little girl, she felt she needed him, his presence and love sooo much…when it was clear it was not possible to receive that from him, that’s the day everything went dark, that’s the day all love was gone, that was the perception at that time anyways. 

.. this does not feel healthy at all….. 

It’s a interesting program and I’m kinda seeing it more and more, I was dependent on my papas love and presence as if it was the source of what made me feel happy and alive in this world.

Some error of seeing thinking he is that for me, not remembering that I am that for me, it’s inside me, right here. 

So I acknowledge I got some daddy issues y’all! And in this self marriage we will get through this and come out victorious, I will change heal and grow. 

I thank the few embodied heart centered men whom I related with recently who have helped shine a light onto all this within myself.. without you being so fucking beautiful and yourself I couldn’t see it. 

I create it all, I am the source of all these creations, I project it, am I ready to let go of projecting the deepest pain and heartbreak ???? Let go of needing this familiar feeling of abandonment and being left by the man I love the most and being sad because of it? 

Am I ready to end this addiction to sadness and hurt? Or do I get off on it so much I won’t let it go?

Is it the familiar feeling I want even if it’s painful and doesn’t serve anymore? 

Thank God for pillars of love in this world, because of pillars of love, everything that is not matching this love, will show itself, come up, and be resolved, dissolved back into its original source, so long as we love and extend compassion to all this vs judge it or try to escape from feeling it we will be alright……I’ve learned I can’t escape myself. Gotta face it all with love even the most messy painful ugly whatever I label it as, it’s a gift to face it, then I can return home truly as a whole integrated being. 

Home to this heaven on earth. 

I guess the reason I care about all this is because I care about relationships and that they are clean and transparent, coming from a clear space, and an awareness of all our parts and coming together, relating from wholeness. 

That’s why I heal myself or unravel all this within me…. So I can relate from a clean clear space with others when I do. 

After I got married to myself I met a man, he has been a big part of this journey for me, a trigger really for me to see all this. 

I am deeply grateful for him, he doesn’t even know it how much him just being himself and not apologizing for it has helped me to heal and see all this about myself, his freedom and wild loving expression is healing for my Soul and whole being. In fact all the men I’ve met after my move to the big island like 8 years ago, wow, thank you. 

Y’all are supporting me to connect deeper to myself and to feel deeper, to rise in my power. I really want to acknowledge all the powerful men. Never again do I want to project my papa issues onto them just because I haven’t done my own healing. 

I’m deeply sorry for projecting my own hurt onto anybody, I am so deeply sorry. ♥️ and I forgive myself too. 

I see how easily I could go into blame or pointing fingers if I’m not willing to feel this deeper space within me that is calling out for love and presence. 

I also see how all these beautiful men are a reflection of me, I’m attracting men who are healing opening and like the most powerful loving presence for me, because I really am that for myself too, what I see in them is what is in me, I am really so very powerful, feeling humbled to say it, yet it’s true…… 

I’m laying naked on the earth, heart open, tears running down my face, sun shining on my body…….I’m okay, I’m so safe in all this, it’s not been easy and I didn’t think it would be, fuck that was a powerful marriage ceremony, no wonder I am receiving this now. Letting go of shaming or judging the parts…the anxious, the trauma, the co dependent tendencies… I do not feel this has to control me or affect my life, so long as I learn to be present to it with love and compassion, so long as I take care of myself and meet my own needs, so long as I honor the life force that wants to create beauty and art through me, so long as I breathe, open and relax into the here and now. 

When I get triggered, it’s important I don’t continue to try to engage from that space, or when I feel out of my body, ungrounded,  overthinking, it’s a clear sign I need to slow down, put my hands on my own body, breathe, move dance give it space vs try to pretend it’s not there, it’s important I learn to be present with me, especially the parts that are a bit more uneasy or uncomfortable, because if I just breathe open to it in the moment, let it move and give it space, then it won’t impact me as much or as hard, it’s important I’m honest about what’s alive, vs try to play cool or act “normal”. 

Thank you to this life. ?

Oh so humbling. 

That’s all for now…. 

This presence, this moment, we are all worthy of it.

If you find yourself overthinking, in doubt or overly questioning yourself, if you feel worry or any type of concern…Know that in this moment you can give it all up to Love, to God, to Life, to Source, to the Creator, you can unburden yourself by giving all up, let the weight off you, you don’t need to hold it all, Love can hold it, God can hold it. In the moment of you giving it up to let Love hold it for you you may see how easily it vanishes and dissolves into nothing. 

It’s all unnecessary. 

Only thoughts of love relief and ease are important now, these thoughts that make you feel inner peace and love are what matter and are what we will leave space for. 

Anything else in the moment that Love holds it will instantly dissolve and make be gone. 

How easy is this, we just have to give it to God and God takes care of it, God, aka Love, Love aka God, God aka the Creator and Source. This higher power, higher Self, who we truly are, the infinite eternal self will make the bullshit and noise vanish in an instant. 

This is the power of who we really are. 

We all deserve to walk the streets at night looking up at the night sky, feeling the warm breeze, watching the trees dance with the wind, feeling the love from our beloved next to us, we all deserve to fully and truly be in that moment, knowing nothing else exists but this eternal present moment. This is all we ever got. Now Now Now Now Now Now……Always Now. Master living here, this is living in truth vs illusions. All false identities will die here, a huge shedding happens here, freedom and liberation happens right here, right now. 

The food I eat effect my mental health big time, the health of my gut microbiome is crucial for me to think clearly and actually live in the truth of reality vs in stories and  past pain and traumas. 

If I think for a moment that it does not matter what I eat, well I tell ya, I’m wrong. 

So this is not the case always of course, but if Im already struggling with my mental health then definitely to take a more conscious look at what Im allowing to come into my body, what I am eating, is very very important if I actually want to feel better mentally. I take mental health very seriously, its no joke having poor mental health, many people because of their mental health are put on serious medication and drugs, also many commit suicide….This is heart breaking. 

I have seen that there are a few ways I def can contribute to myself having very poor mental health. Some of the activities that contribute to it for me is this: Overeating, lack of sleep and then trying to supplement lack of sleep with caffeine, eating heavy greasy foods not made by me, from for example a hot food bar, eating processed sugary things or heavy foods on a regular basis, scrolling mindlessly on social media, over consuming information of any kind, listening to much to others opinions vs feeling my own deeper truth in the moment, regular coffee consumption, (every now and then is ok but daily even just for 3 days in a row and I’m loosing it in a very scary way), short lived clitorial orgasms, not honoring my no and not speaking my truth, being in my unconscious people pleasing mode….

So these are the ways I myself contribute to feeling like shit mentally, I take full ownership in that I am the one responsible for me feeling bad, I am also responsible for myself feeling really fucking epic and amazing, I have the power to create feeling shitty or to create feeling fucking epic! 

Sometimes I have noticed the part of me that likes the pain and destruction, some part that is still romanticizing pain and suffering, this is okay, yet what’s not ok in this is if I actually start to make myself out to be a victim, as if I have no control in how my life unfolds. 

I have so much power, I have choice, I have free will, I get to choose what I give my time and energy to in one day, yet funny sometimes it feels like I don’t have a choice, sometimes I don’t feel free, I feel deeply burdened and like a victim to my overthinking mind and addictive personality. I feel humbled to share this, but its true y’all, I still have some of these addictive tendencies. No longer is it alcohol drugs and sex, now it’s more like heavy foods, drama and caffeine. 

Im not saying all this to bring myself down, Im speaking this because it’s actually really freeing to own it more, to be shameless in exposing and revealing all of me. 

If I hide nothing from the world I feel free, If I let you see all of me without being afraid of your judgements of me, I feel free. Anyways anyone who judges the person is not anyways judging “Me”. Only thing that ever judges is a person towards another person, so beautiful and innocent really. 

So mental health, its so fucking crucial to prioritize, what I focus on I notice becomes more, so as much as I love the shadow work and feeling the pain and the hurt, I also recognize there needs to be a beautiful balance, because even shadow work can become a distraction and a pulling us away from the truth of the moment. 

Im a really fucking amazing human being, but the last few weeks have been showing me the places where I am not, I am a really beautiful human too, yet the last few weeks have shown me some very ugly sides, Im a very happy strong powerful being, yet I’ve also seen how I am also weak and deeply grieving. 

This is such beautiful proof that I am everything, also nothing. This is also showing me that if I identify with anything, like for example being beautiful, that also means I can be the opposite of that, any self image I hold about myself will only create a problem if I don’t live up to it, and that’s a great recipe for suffering and pain. 

So let me tall you all something, Im a little bit of everything, all rolled into one!!! Haha 😀 Had to bring in the Alan’s Morisette song 😉 

Now before I end this post, let me list some of the ways I contribute to myself having epic amazing mental health: 

I go to sleep before 10 PM

I take naps and do yoga Nidra almost daily 

I hydrate myself with mineral rich liquids – bitter green juices, coconut water etc

I practice sex magic and circulation of my sexual energy, breath work during self pleasure or sex

I eat the size of my fist, I eat slowly and with so much gratitude, in silence

I write, create videos, sing songs and play my ukulele 

I move my body with daily walks, yoga and dancing

I speak up and reveal my naked truth! 

I work out and activate my muscles and get myself breathing deeper! 

I get sunshine on my whole body, anus and yoni on a regular daily basis if possible! Even just 10 minutes on both sides will do. 

I take saunas and get into water on a regular basis. 

I listen to amazing audiobooks such a Radical Acceptance, The Untethered Soul or Conversations With God.

I fast once a week on a regular basis. 

I go outside, smile and say hey to strangers, I go do something new and fun or outside my normal routine.

I call and talk to really beautiful wise friends…..

This and so much more! Infinite ways to improve out mental health! Honestly a dopamine fast is long due for me. No food internet or social interactions for a few days at least! Yeah Ive heard great things on that. 

Okay that’s all for me today, appreciate you reading, please do share your mental health hacks, we could all benefit from one another’s support. 

I shared a huge powerful orgasm yesterday with my partner, it was truly incredible and oh so pleasurable and expansive, but let me tell ya, in the future instead of exploding this energy out of my body, I truly fucking commit to keeping it in and instead breathing deeper to circulate it within my body, riding the wave of pleasure more with awareness and equanimity vs going after the pleasure, I mean usually this is what I do but somehow yesterdays full moon got me ??

I commit to pausing, breathing fuller and deeper with my partner vs choose the explosion of pleasure, the commitment to breathing more and circulating the energy, yes, that feels so important to me, and it’s oh so pleasurable too!

Because honestly what comes up that much must go down, so today a day after this experience, I’m feeling all the feels, a bit lower than normal, also some sadness feelings.

Now I know there ain’t really a problem with anything I’m feeling, only problem is the thoughts stories and narrative I create around what I’m feeling.

I actually feel really amazing when I tune into it, just a bit more quiet and introverted, like a cozy and spacious feeling, feeling of being raw and exposed too, wanting to be in a cave.

I honestly want a day on my own away from my partner after an orgasm like that, it’s interesting how that is, does anyone else have this feeling too? Wanting space the next day from the person you shared a powerful orgasm with? Haha gosh it sounds kinda nuts, I feel weird admitting this, but yeah I just want a day for myself after a shared experience like that, and I think what’s gets me feeling strange is if I don’t own this and share it with my partner. I must own the truth that I need space even in times when things are so beautiful and amazing, when we have expansive experiences I need space for me afterwards. This is so important for me and it’s beautiful. Me wanting space often is beautiful, I own it, I celebrate it vs get into a story that I should feel differently or I should be in another way then I genuinely am.

I’m feeling like life has so many profound experiences, so much potency unfolding, I really cherish the time and space to process it all and integrate it all, reflect and just feel it more in my body. I can’t always move from one thing to the next, the pause, stillness and reflection is so important, the pausing to give thanks and feel gratitude, it’s so important I give myself this time I’m realizing.

I need to learn and remember to communicate my needs more, to own my naked truth, and not apologize for it, not make it wrong.

It’s funny because when we make love and don’t have that huge pleasurable orgasm, and instead we circulate and bring the energy up our spines and back down again, really spreading the orgasmic energy all around within our bodies through our intentional breathing together, that’s when I finish feeling so alive, so orgasmic, a lot more balanced centered and full, but when I explode in the pleasure and feel it kinda shooting out of me into the universe, that’s when I feel a bit more low, different the next day. Now of course I always hold the most beautiful visions in those moments of orgasm, I see and think the most potent empowering thoughts and images, I let the orgasm amplify more of what I desire in my life, yet even still, to me it’s just not worth it to have pleasurable orgasms when instead I could literally feel orgasmic long after I’m done making love.

Yeah, that’s what I choose. Phew!!

Love yourself no matter what that’s what this journey is about. 

Something i’ve noticed, and this is so great,  is I notice I want to run away from this relationship so I can be more peaceful again and like who I am again, yet am I really changing then or am I just changing my environment? I notice I have this story that its because of the other person I cannot be peaceful, its because of him…..

Yes I feel its great to have space and solo time, everyone needs that, it can be very healthy and important, I definitely need that in my life.

Yet there is a type of space and solo time I say I want when I am in reaction and trigger, when I am judging him and feeling uncomfortable feelings and emotions,

is this not the time to really stay and be curious, to stay and really see it as an opportunity for growth and change into perhaps a more compassionate way of responding to things? Or it is also an opportunity to be vulnerable and share what is happening for me, to feel my triggers and look deeper inside on what is really there, to move the energy or to express my world to him in a neutral this is what Im observing in me kind of way. 

Cant this feeling of being triggered be the doorway for my freedom and experience of more love in my life, cant this be an opening and path to experience more of the Love that I am???  Yes it can, but ego wants to avoid this! Ego cant stand this!

Its like I’m wanting to escape changing through relationships by avoiding them and being alone, its like my ego does not want to change, it just wants to run away and be “peaceful” again in environments where it knows it will be peaceful, in environments where nothing can show or reveal the inner thorns and core wounds.

Yet how then is there really any benefit to going to these ten day silent retreats or to these peaceful places if all I’m going to do is be craving to go to more of them so I can avoid the real master class witch is being involved in conscious human relationships, deep intimate human connections and relationships? 

Is it really not possible to remain peaceful, aware and equanimous while interacting, relating and listening to others? Especially my most intimate partner? 

It is not possible if those interactions reveal thorns and wounds inside myself constantly that I am unwilling to look at or heal or give presence to. 

If I am unwilling to face my own stuff, own my stuff, take responsibility for my stuff versus project it out, then it will be very very hard to have any peace or awareness in a relationship, it will instead become a unconscious toxic relationship that might just grow the ego even more and create more thorns and wounds inside. 

Relationships can be a place to go to sleep and act out unconscious patterns, habits and behaviors or it can be a place to awaken, heal, change, grow, learn and become a greater person who is capable of showing up with courage, love compassion and vulnerability in all areas of once life, a relationship can be a way to become more of who we already are, to embody more of what we already are, LOVE, or it can be a way to become stronger in ego…

It takes radical honesty and radical self acceptance in order to have this type of relationship where LOVE is what gets embodied more and more, it takes a willingness to face and meet death within oneself, because very well ego might die in many ways, these self images and identities we have held onto, these stories about who we are and these programs of how we react to things, these things may die and perish if we choose to show up for this type of relationship, where we choose a change that truly brings more peace in the world, versus just a short-lived distraction because you removed everything from the world so you can’t be disturbed type of experience.

Intimate committed relationships is like the master class in peacefulness, compassion and unconditional love – Silent meditation retreats and solo time in paradise is kind of easy honestly compared to that! Haha that is my opinion at least, that’s what my experiences have shown. 

And my ego wants to run away from the masterclass again and again, “get me the fuck out of here so I can be peaceful sweet and compassionate again because I don’t like who I am when I feel triggered, also I don’t want to change and grow out of this because this is my identity and I will do whatever it takes to stay in it!” Ego does not know how to be with triggers and stronger emotions in a loving spacious supportive way, yet who I truly am does, my Soul does, I just have to be willing to be more of WHO I TRULY AM versus caught in small reactive ego. Yet nothing is separate from me, so also I recognize I am too this ego, and from this space I can have more openness and compassion, versus ego must die mentality…

Yet the truth is…. ego dies a sweet death often in this life, I even think ego is used to it by now haha! How great, getting used to death and dying, that’s great because we will then be more prepared for the ultimate one that we will be blessed with at some point in this life, we know for sure that is coming. 

So I’m SO grateful for human relationships, no matter how much harder they are to me compared to being alone or being in meditation retreats, I realized that the intimate human relationships, or in fact all of them intimate or not, are and can be like the most advanced meditation retreat ever, like a true masterclass in unconditional love, compassion and peacefulness, of course that is only possible if we make it possible by our willingness to show up and die haha and our willingness to be vulnerable, truthful, honest, brave and our willingness to be seen in our messy, scared, raw and hurt, also our willingness to be seen in our ecstatic joy, playfulness, success and thriving! 

Yes, I am bowing my head to this blessing, because we are surrounded by humans on this planet, and we have the opportunity to build relationships with them all, shallow or deep, but either way, have them be rooted in love and peacefulness…..and I’m not saying that it can’t look like an honest “fuck off” either, because I feel we can definitely have peacefulness love and compassion in moments when we don’t want somebody around and when we are very truthful and clear about that, it can be so simple and easy…..yet also hard and challenging, yet that is what makes it more fun. 

SO thanks for reading my words today about my experience with human relationships, I def have not always been a lover of being around humans, or I have this feeling I just want to be alone in the forest with plants and the elements…..And yes, I will honor this too, yet I will be aware to notice if I only want this because I am protecting myself from the pain of true change into a ruthless LOVER of it all, I will stay aware to see that I go out to be solo and alone for the right reasons, instead of doing it to avoid deeply feeling or facing certain aspects of myself that perhaps really need and could benefit from my presence and unconditional love…I know that I get to have it all, I get to have my solo adventures and meditation retreats, and I also get to have deep intimate juicy fun exciting human relationships that uplift my Spirit and support me to become more of my truest most LOVINg self.

So cheers to the masterclass that is fully and truly showing up for love even when it hurts in intimate human relationships!

WOW!!!

Today I for the first time ever allowed myself to experience an oming session, I had felt scared and resistant to asking my partner Wayne to do it with me, funny and strange as he is my partner, I still felt so vulnerable to do a session like this with him, and its like why? I have had wild sex with him multiple times already, and deep vulnerable tears running down my face sex too. Yet I noticed my ego resistant to doing it with him, to allowing him to see me in such a vulnerable place, the ego that is always on guard and protecting me from illusions created in the mind.

Yet in my life, usually when I notice this kind of resistance, it is a sign that I need to do it, I need to jump in and do it.

So I did, released my fears of being seen in whatever was going to arise for me in the session, I welcomed any experience and just told myself that whatever it is, whatever comes up, I will love it, I will stay present with my sensations and be aware of breathing deep and continue to open to the experience, just breathe and keep opening.

I’ve received yoni massage before and sacred spot massage, but never an actual Oming session, its quite specific actually.

What is orgasmic meditation – Oming?

Orgasmic meditation (or “OM” as its loving, loyal community members call it) is a unique wellness practice that combines mindfulness, touching and pleasure.

For the uninitiated, it’s a partnered experience of stroking around the clitoris for 15 minutes, with only one goal: let go and feel.

In the beginning of the journey I felt very safe, held and supported by Wayne, he embraces all of me so well, I felt his presence and depth so deeply in this session, especially in the beginning for me it meant the world to me how he showed up as I was a bit nervous and behaving a bit goofy, he was just there with me, present in his own body, I could feel that, and that is such an important quality if I am going to do anything like this with another man, that I feel him present, if I do not feel presence, I cannot allow touch or anything to happen, it also helps me to drop in deeply to be present with my body and my breath, to surrender into deep feeling and opening.

This Oming experience was powerful, I told Wayne at times to give more pressure, faster then slower, I had fun exploring how I wanted the touch, yet also I was very interested in staying in one place, and going really deeply into feeling what was there when we stayed in one place for sometime.

I am very proud of myself for seeing how confident and unafraid I have become when it comes to speaking up and stating what I want in situations like this, versus just laying back and taking it, I feel communication and using our voices is SO important if we are going to be in experiences like this with others, very important to feel safe is to know how to speak up and use your voice, otherwise you may go along with something that does not feel good and later feel traumatized and icky…

Luckliy those days are ending as the feminine and masculine are both learning how to feel their bodies, know their boundaries and speak their truth in sex and in life, so thank God for that.

After some exploration of different speed, pressure and location – I felt I had arrived at a perfect place, now I wanted to stay there, breathe and open, be a witness to whatever was coming up for me.

There was this very powerful moment when I felt a wave of energy going up the back of my spine, as it reached my head it resulted in me opening up into blissful tears, it was a powerful softening that happened, I felt a new level of softness I had not felt in a while, I see how being in this softness is true power for me, yet I notice how in everyday life I can get so hard, be protective when really there is no need for it, yet I still notice how ego at times wants me to stay in hardness, so the moment when I felt that wave of energy flow up my spine and create a feeling of expansive tears in me, this was a moment I felt more power from opening up to softness, vulnerability and love.

What I learned through this first oming session is this: Our softness, tenderness, gentleness, vulnerability and sweet love is true power and true strength. I realized so much that it’s from this place I would like to lead from, create from and live from, it feels so much like hOMe.

I also learned that what my ego makes up things to be, is always so far from the truth, I learned that I need never allow doubtful fearful thoughts to control my life ever again.

I feel free, open whole, expansive. Looking forward to continuing this practice of oming with Wayne, as its such a powerful way to also feel really rooted and in the earth, in the body, grounded.

I feel like I just want to go away from him, before he hurts me it is best I leave him.

Why do I have so much pain associated to him being with another women, I really do, but why, I know it’s always going to be in the most loving open truthful way if it does happen….The reality I live in is so loving, yet the mind that is holding onto pain makes believe it is otherwise, creates a nightmare….

It is just stories I am creating that causes me to feel extreme despair and hurt…I wonder if I am addicted to this feeling? I think some part of me must really enjoy feeling this way since I keep feeling this way in times when he is doing such simple things such as just talking to a women I believe he likes or has been with before.

I watch the mind going into all kinds of horrible stories that are SO far from the truth, yet it keeps being replayed, its like I have big thorns and I make them as big as I can to get him to go away, yet as always, he stays, and loves me, this cracks me open, and it fucking hurts….It is the part of a long term committed relationship I do not like yet it is also the part I love the most, oh gosh, it drives me crazy….I feel SO incredibly blessed.

I’m amazed this still happens though, I feel likes its crippling at times, so painful, yet somehow because I feel the deep pain, somehow I feel better afterwards, yet I wonder, can I ever be free from it? Or is this the wrong question to ask perhaps, maybe its more can I ever learn to really love this part too, fully and wholeheartedly? Like as long as I want myself to be different and not feel what I am feeling it will be so so painful…I must allow my tears to flow, allow the feelings to bubble up, stay open to this energy too….

It is when I close up that I trap it somewhere, and this causes more tensions, pain and destruction…..This is also a great opportunity to see who I really am, to be in the witness, understand this is not my eternal self, this is the changing self, egos problems and beliefs, illusions that I make up to be real by the attention I give to it.

I see where I am giving into stories that are far from true yet make me feel so horrible, unworthy and not good enough, I see how I create these feelings because I am actually allowing these stories into my reality and present moment, this is why I think, holy wow, am I addicted to this suffering?? Ever since I first had this experience of this pain I’ve been replaying the same feeling over and over, and it is not fair to the people Now in my life, as they are NEVER going to treat me the way I was treated before….

I can trust that the people in my life now love me so deeply, and that they are truthful and communicate their desires and attractions with me, I can trust that I will be included and prioritized….Yet for some reason, some very hurt part of me, just keeps this belief that no matter how good it seems, I will be hurt, I will be betrayed…..I just gotta love her so much now, she needs my love, and she deserves my loving presence, perhaps I usually just want her to go away, yet I see this is not the answer, the answer it not for her to go away, the answer is for me to love bigger, more fully, more truly, all of me…..

I see the key is to stay emotionally current, to take responsibility and release my emotions when they are strong, to do the right thing, use the tools I have available to me, like shaking for example, its so great to move into a powerful shake journey if I am in very intense emotions, this always keeps me emotionally current and more in the present moment.

What I have to say with this sharing and post, is that its so okay for us to notice where there is still parts of us holding onto unresolved pain, and the things that trigger us are the pointers to showing us where there may still be this pain, so notice what triggers you, and go deeper, ask yourself, who is feeling triggered? Go deeper and find the root cause of this pain….

There may be a discovery of parts of you that still believe that you somehow could lack love, or a belief that you can be unworthy or not good enough. These beliefs are far from the truth, yet so many people suffer from them, I say do the deeper looking, and then consciously do what you need to do to release and let these limiting beliefs go, this is my work, my practice, over and over, coming home to the eternal truth that I am so worthy, always so worthy, that I am a perfect child of God, innocent and pure, I am the Love I seek in outside things, I am this love that is always growing, so never can there be such a thing as lack of love or lack or worth.  Cheers to that, and cheers to facing all of yourself with love, compassion and patience….

Outcome happiness – only happy if this happens or that person likes me or I get that job or I look this way or I get this approval or I make lots of money or I have that shiny car……all these things are great, but they are not what give true real deep genuine happiness, this kind of happiness cannot be found in this world….it’s beyond it…it’s You.

What we are is such a beautiful luminous light!

Our shared love and Joy is the medicine for this world. Let us share this energy with more of our people, through our deep commitment to honesty, honoring our truths and speaking them, using our voice, we can all begin to connect and play in this heaven on earth, it is a safe place, create that safe place inside first and see the safety that is who you are…

There is a powerful innocence to every human being that I would like to tap into, from this place we see there is no right or wrong, from here it is play and joyfulness. Ease and smiles. From this place of innocence all the tears can run down our face and wash us clean, leaving us glowing with magic and bathing in our pure essence. Our Pure essence feels like ecstatic Joy, it is Pure Love.

When I am expressing love and openness I am in my most natural state, when I see beauty in everything I am at home. When I celebrate the love shared all over the world in all different kinds of ways I feel deeply connected and in awe at the incredible creation that human is.

Because human is so good at loving, sharing sweetness to one another, I love to be in this experience and I love to witness it and feel the energy from “others” shared experience of Love.

I say others yet truly when Ramana Maharshi was asked “How do we treat others?” His answer was: “There are no others”.

This is the deep truth I feel opens me up to humanity in such a soft yet powerful way, I fucking love you all. I love you so much it connects me deeply to my deepest pain, deepest wounds as a human. This connection to my pain and seeing my wounds is a Gift. Because I get to allow myself to feel it, connect back to an innocence I felt before this pain and before these wounds were created, I get to remember this innocence and love is who I am, I get to love and care for myself here like nothing else, bring in sweetness, care and tenderness.

I get to feel tears run down my face as I am seen by my powerful sisters in this place of feeling my wound that I for so long have wanted to cover up with a fancy carpet, yet, that has been lying, and kind of kept me disconnected from who I am at the core of it all.

Because all the feelings that come from connecting to this part of me is truly essential for me to feel all of the beauty of me, to feel grounded here and now. To be present to the gift of love that is offered and shared in every moment of my life.

Thank you for your unique way of expression the One Love that we all are. Deeply thank you for letting your light shine and your spark create magic and inspire playfulness wherever you go. I LOVE YOU.

My feelings are important, my feelings are guides, I like to make sure I am not feeling something because of a story in my head of not being good enough or a story or mistrust and doubt, those do not feel like true feelings to me, they feel like made up stories of ego.

I feel it is super important to listen deeply to feelings that come from a thoughtless place, these are guides, important to listen to these and not try to avoid them and just say “nah its okay its prob not so important”.

When I have felt strong feelings, strong intuition and instinct, I have at times not expressed myself or really honored them, given space for them, this has lead to me having too deal with the consequences of not actually honoring and listening to myself, this is a very painful experience.

You may ask, why would you not listen and not follow your true feelings in the first place?

Well, a part of me has been scared to speak up and share my full and honest truth, especially in intimate close relationships of the opposite sex, I have fears around speaking my fullest truth after some experiences that lead me to believe it is not safe to do so, it can result in feeling threatened of violence and attack.

Yet of course this is not the case in this reality that I live in now, the life I’ve created is all love and peace now, yet, trauma from these past experiences still arise in this body of mine making me feel as if I will be in physical danger to express my truth.

This noticing is super important, and I am so grateful to myself for being brave enough to express my truth now, no matter how scary and uncomfortable, no matter how much my voice shakes.

I see this is a beautiful realization I’ve had recently, I can actually tune into my pure feelings and my inner guidance, and actually honestly fucking express from that place, for some part of me it is so scary yet now I see it is so worth the feelings of discomfort compared to not speaking up at all.

We are worthy or our fullest self expression, if that scares you to show up fully now, I invite you to lean into the scary and uncomfortable and do it anyways. Life is not meant to be fuzzy and sweet all the time, it is meant to be fully lived, and that means being fully ourselves and allowing our fullest expression.

Even with such a sweet angel as the being I have been sharing life with it has felt hard for me to speak up, especially if I am sharing something about him and I and perhaps if I am sharing something about us not being physically together anymore, for example, my desire to move to Hawaii, or go solo camping for a few days, even these simple things I am shocked at how even this can be hard at times for some part of me to share.

Yet the most beautiful thing is that I am not ever holding back, even when I am scared I fucking share that yes I am scared, I share my fears, this is not a weakness my friends, this is true strength, I am ready to give myself some fucking credit and say I have fucking grown, I have grown in the ways that I am so much more comfortable with the uncomfortable, so if that uncomfortable and hard conversations needs top be had lets fucking have it and show up for it with patience and love, with the intention to love the fuck out of all of it, anything that is alive in us is is worthy of expression and to be seen heard and supported.

This is why I want all my brothers and sisters to know that you never need to hide yourself from me, because I fucking love all of you, even your darkest shit and messy parts, all of your humanness is loved, because I am the lover who Is capable of loving it all, I choose to fucking die into this love, and trust me, it fucking feels like death at times, so scary, it is not an easy path of peace love and light all the time, yet it also really is, ya feel me, haha.

Anytime someone is scared and avoiding going into the deep dark soil and receiving the nourishment from there, they are missing out on something so precious, I am ready to go deep into that now, and really receive the nourishment from it. Deep dark soil, I fucking love you so much, thank you.

photo credit and big thanks to Ransom ??☀️

[videopress 5Z9DOTdr]

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.

Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.

Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.

Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

So throw away your baggage and go forward.

There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet,

trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair.

That’s why you must walk so lightly.

Lightly my darling,

on tiptoes and no luggage,

not even a sponge bag,

completely unencumbered.

~Aldous Huxley